Dynamic algebraic equation to existence — tenderness + defensiveness

I am less than two months into my “new” (although not so new anymore) chapter of my life. Living in South Lake Tahoe is more than beautiful in its surroundings and more than dynamic in my personal day-to-day. The positive thing about the word “dynamic” is that it includes a wide array of possibility and creative energy. However, the main reason I can only think of the word dynamic is because my life feels complex, complicated, compassionate, complete and totally unpredictable. The last time I checked, Webster’s Dictionary had a slightly different and not so descriptive definition:

Adj: marked by continuous usually productive activity or change

Well, Webster’s has it spot-on when relating to the continual change. The constant flow of new beginnings, relationships, opportunities, struggles, etc. is giving me the sensation that I’m in a tornado. I’m twirling around in a free-flowing dance somewhere between grace and chaos. But when I look hard enough through the dust, I see clear sky! The equation adds up, and the reassuring thing is that I see a great solution. I feel it within me that although I’ve subtracted a few things, I’ve multiplied in courage and now I’m dividing through fears I’ve ran from for years. Right now, each day is so dynamically random (where productive meets unpredictable), and yet I have an inherent feeling that things are evolving into divine goodness.

Due to the crazy emotional rollercoaster of taking on a huge new job, getting injured too frequently to keep up and getting comfortable in a new enviornment, I am stripped of control and left with a split between tender tears of acceptance and defensive lashes of self-identification; those moments of wanting to reassure myself I’m “ok”. In trying to add it all up, this is how I feel:

And with that, I guess dynamic feels pretty great! This is all for me to take on and feel with love…so yes, I have a vulnerable beating heart! And yes, I am definitely extremely sensitive to molding farther into the woman I am becoming, but this equation of existence has a complex, delicate solution that will come to fruition only if I work at it with, tackling as many variables as possible! This is not a 1+1 kind of problem, this is the dynamic unsolvable problem where the answer lies in my heart more than on paper. What’s your equation? Can you give it all you’ve got and be totally affected by things so that you feel love? Don’t worry, it will add up just right!

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