Confessions of a broken heart

I want to spread my wings and fly away…

I want to fly to a place of serenity, acceptance and graceful union. Right now in my life, I am locked in a cage of resistance and pain. After four knee injuries in the last six months, I am beyond over the trials of ‘ice, elevation, and rest’ bullshit. The swelling from my knee is spreading to my heart and I am left disappointed and organically sad at my damaged being. My joints have torn so many times that my heart is ripping at the seams.

I want to spread my wings and fly away to a place where I feel empowered beyond what I do. I am being forced to honor more than what I do, but who I am. And in this physical imprisonment, I am questioning my authenticity, my intentions and my connections with others. I am in so much pain that I am forgetting who I am.

I want to spread my wings and fly away…

I want to embrace my body with acceptance so that I do not forget all it has done for me for the past 23 years. How easy is it to forget the good things in the past and remember those that scared us? My tendency is to want more and I feel that burning normalcy charring my heart. Empowerment has become imploded with power beyond my mind’s eye. My wings have been clipped and my spirit feels grounded. So when it gets to the point of no return in life, what do we do? Fly away to a ‘better place’?

I want to spread my wings and fly; to a land where other people breed the same source of love I do and where we all understand each other. But after recent transitions in my life, I have come to the understanding that we will never always understand each other…that broken hearts are inevitable when we love because nothing lasts forever; not the same forever we dream up in our unspoken fairytale. When we come to the point where hearts are broken, we are tested by the overwhelming strength of our emotions. And when we continually spread our wings and fly, amongst leaving those things that are hardest, we leave those that are the best for us. Fear is the foundation to the fabric of our wingspan.

So now that I am at the point of no return with my body and people in my life, what do I do?

I stay grounded and mindful…

I do not get sucked into the advertisement of escaping to the far-off paradise. I trust that my body will prevail and guide me to where I am meant to be. I trust that time will heal the pain and my tendencies will shift as the moons do. I acknowledge that other people cannot control my love and that my authenticity cannot control theirs.

My physical injuries are aligned with my relationships with others. My broken heart can only be mended when I stop flying away, ignoring the reality that broken things need time to heal. No matter how much we want to force something in our lives, we have to stay grounded enough to appreciate the subtle differences that bring change. The mindful intention of grounding opens our hearts enough to love again…and again…and again. And eventually, just maybe, we will end up in a sacred spot of serenity, acceptance and graceful union. Letting things and people close to us go when necessary is part of rebuilding the heart in order to be healthy and healed…the rehab just sucks like hell. I thought I could say ‘been there, done that’…but this time I realize that I’ve never been here and I’ve never done this. And next time, it will hurt just as much…

So I stay grounded (or try) and maybe dream of flying away when it gets too hard. What are you flying away from? Can you find grounding in the middle of the sky?

 

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2 thoughts on “Confessions of a broken heart

  1. can relate… 😦 i guess i would say “been there” but i’m stuck with all the hurtfulness. think I haven’t really gone through the “done that” phase. Thank you for sharing this. This is really insightful!

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