Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve written!! And I’m officially a Lake Tahoe resident. What?! It’s here and surprisingly, I’m more ready than I anticipated. I am farther from the “ideal” than I ever dreamt of but also way beyond the person I idealized. Ironic, no?? Life always gives us the beauty of paradox in change occurs. We are pulled from one thing and pushed toward another; mostly only confusing us along the way.
Being in a new environment, yet with familiar people, I have come to the realization that if I am not 100% connected to the ME in me, I will become the OTHER in me! That old “self” of hatred, ego, fear, judgement, blah blah blah, that we all know too well, is buried underneath the awkward acceptance of change.
This calling to adapt is an unconscious reaction that breeds light rather than darkness. Coming from a background of anything and everything in excess: years of an eating disorder, lies and false hopes, hours of accelerating living and breathing –>
resting in a peaceful array of contentment becomes the double-take of insecurity I’m used to criticizing. Can happiness be natural and unforced? How many times in a day do we question ourselves?! The best thing about change, however, is the ground is raked away so we are left to fall — from this, we find the ground!
I’m a General Manager? What?! No! Yes! Wait…I’m still the same but somehow the slow process of vulnerability and determination leaves us with a lack of a title, but a fulfillment of purpose. Whether it’s a career or a personal shift, it’s so funny and yet beautiful at how we end up where we originally planned to be but without knowing it…AT ALL!! This is divine power — our existence at its best!
On the other hand, saying goodbye to those closest to me is a slap in the face to any fantasy I draw up. Yes, it is not all easy! So what do we do with that dark shit?? We cry. That is a known. And maybe, along the way, we accept the uncomfortable truth, despite resisting it 100%! We are where we are. And if we forget our roots for one moment, our integrity is compromised by the misinterpretation of egoic logic (a.k.a. total bullshit).
Last night, I watched Brené Brown’s phenomenal Ted talk on shame vs. guilt. The end of the talk really spoke to me and I believe it is a universal battle for us all in this day and age. Ultimately, we all want to be a badass! But in the end, those that love us most don’t give a sh*t about what we do (or if we are badass!); they care about us from an organic place of love. As much as we want to close off when it gets ugly — change forces us to expose, reinvent, and transform ourselves to a being far beyond our limits.
As I step into this new chapter of my life, it’s happening without resistance or control…it is REAL TIME! And oddly enough, I am intuitively happy — despite the goodbyes and periods at the end of the sentences. New paragraphs are forming, creating the story of my life. We all are leaping vastly or slowly creeping into the new paragraphs of our book of life. Whether we want to resist it, control it, or let it all go, there can be no shame about who we are. We have to be sure that our body, mind, and soul are connected on a level that is genuinely good! If we are used to coming from negativity, trust seems like a bunch of BS because we cannot know for sure that we will not fail, be beautiful, accepted, unhurt, unwounded, etc.
I believe the saying “the world is your oyster” symbolizes that we can be hidden, discovered, and cracked open to discover the beauty within. No oyster is overly attractive on the outside — the beauty is deeper beyond appearance. It is the taste, shape, and texture that molds the unique quality to the oyster. The more pleasurable the oyster, the more shape and texture, not to mention taste it has…this is life!
For me personally, sentences are ending, paragraphs are beginning; oysters are being discovered and all norms are being defied by the raw realness of CHANGE. My goal is to love, resist and love again–hopefully finding peace at the end of the essay! We are never mentally ready, yet divinely prepared so trust and write as often as possible. The longer the story, the more adventure we have to share with others!