Forget to Remember — Poetic memoir of disordered triumph

I was asked to submit a poem about overcoming my past eating disorder for an upcoming body positive poetry slam…although it’s quite personal, I feel that everyone can relate to struggle and also the benefit of overcoming the dark and dangerous obstacles that stand in our way. They remind us the importance of humility, vulnerability, forgiveness and gratitude. I’m immensely grateful to write this now as a distant memory!

lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu — may all beings everywhere be happy and free of suffering

Forget to remember 

Remember those days?

Those days where hate was a second language,

And tears were droplets of everlasting makeup on my face,

Painting my soul with pain, soaking up all the inherent beauty.

I am beautiful and unique,

Well almost,

Except for the fact I am broken, fat, not strong enough, nor smart enough.

I don’t match the ad or fit into the norm,

The one hanging in the designer store or pasted on the giant billboard along the 101.

Remember the darkness?

Oh I remember you!

The long nights isolated in the devil’s den,

Mapping out the next natural disaster to uproot my daily reality,

Exploding my insides and shaving off shreds of my heart,

Stoking my own fire of fear, burning away the ashes of my potential,

Swirling strength and dysfunction into disillusion and abuse,

You branded my heart,

Seized my prana until I fainted from malnutrition,

Beaten down by the poster child and the beauty queen,

Deprived, paralyzed and demoralized.

Remember those days?

How could you forget?

I am beautiful and unique,

Well almost,

Except for the fact I can run 100 miles and never be fast enough,

I can run but I can’t hide.

Run in circles until I get lost in your hypnotic maze of imperfection,

Lost at the bottom of Davy Jones’ locker,

Drowning from misprogrammed lies, never-ending goodbyes,

Dead to the truth,

Chastised and disguised,

Baptized as an ugly fiend.

Remember those days?

When you thought you knew me?

Well, guess what,

You were wrong!

I am beautiful and unique,

I have a voice, a body, a spirit,

I am left with scars that reveal a memory,

Markings that I overcame, was reborn with a gentle embrace,

My skin is now alive,

My lungs breathe grace across the sky of my divinity,

I see no evil; I choose no evil;

I breed virtuous forgiveness,

You have mistaken wounded for broken,

Repaired for damaged,

Honesty for deceit,

Cheating on me as you leave a soft kiss against my lips.

Remember the light?

I think not!

You are trapped,

Buried beneath the cherry blossom tree,

I have bloomed out of my shell,

I am beautiful and unique,

Morphed into a vibrant expression of love,

Where hate is a forgotten language,

And laughter navigates the winding road to humble beginnings.

Besides I am learning Italian,

I don’t have time for starving phrases and emaciated symbols.

I only speak bolded, underlined and italicized phrases of authenticity.

I remember those days, but I no longer remember you.

Time to pack up and move on,

Take care,

Thanks and fuck off…

This goodbye is forever!

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