Over the last year, I have been blessed to travel through a canyon of emotional and personal change. The low valleys of injury, occasional heartbreak and shifts in my spirituality. The high peaks of outdoor adventure, compassionate personal and community growth and discovering new levels of authentic passions. Throughout the year the multiple funks, grooves, and routines that come and go affirm the temporary beauty of nature. Just like a tree, we go through seasons of blooming and shedding; cold spells and heat waves invade our surroundings and offer diverse environments for us to overcome and prosper.
Reflecting back on 365 days often brings up the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” internal dialogue. Personally, part of me feels inclined, almost obligated, to create a long list of the ways in which I missed out or gave up. Then, the other part of me that wants to celebrate the successes gets silenced by the dominating, never-ending unsatisfaction of the ego. I (a.k.a. ego) decide that I should excel at everything I seek out and if I don’t, then I am less than worthy. But how realistic is this thought process?
The hang up in the origins of this idea is that the definition of success or being ‘great’ is relative to whoever is talking. Lance Armstrong idea of success is unlike mine or yours. And mentally torturing myself is not productive to creating positive connections with my inner and outer relationships. When I step back and look at the harsh standards I establish for myself, I recognize that I am not expanding to be the person I want to be. And ultimately, when I think about my selfish drive to be validated by my athleticism, I am forced to surrender to the fact that in our existence, it is not about me.
On an organic level, it is about our connectivity, but I think the problem comes in the influence of our culture. Our personal definitions are produced and prided on our culture’s fast paced, high pressured expectations. I find that no matter how much awareness I exude, separating myself from this enticing drug of ideals is a struggle for me.
As I step onto a new path, a new year, my goal is to choose my daily actions based on manifesting fun and serenity rather than continuing to push myself harder. I recognize that I may encounter a lot of resistance from my inner voices. But I also am setting a contract with myself that I can try this mindset out for 2012 and go back to intense ass-kicking in 2013 if I get too desperate. This last year has been too full of pain to keep accelerating. I’m in need to switch it up, try something beyond my usual structure and let divinity overwhelm my being.
I want to be in love with my life without limitations on what that looks like. So the switch comes to replacing WANT with AM. I am in love with life (well, most the time!). What commitment am I willing to make to create a reality worth taking pride in? It starts now and the new year is a prime time to make it happen! What reality do you want in the new year?