FULL powerLESSness

This weekend, I traveled to Tahoe to visit my godparents and snowboard for the first time in two years, due to my knee injury last winter. I have been anxiously planning this trip for over a month and was so excited to both have some quality family time and return to my beloved snowboard, despite the horrendous lack of snow. Well, one thing was fulfilled on my trip: quality family time! I feel deeply blessed for the community in South Shore. Since my godparents are the owners of Freshies Restaurant , I have been lucky enough to be immersed in a vibrant community of local love and kind-hearted, warm spirits. The small town connectivity reminded me of my Colorado childhood roots and who I am at heart.

The other goal of my trip, to return to my beloved snowboard, was accomplished…however, only until I sprained my knee on the FIRST run! This is when I shake my head in frustration for the millionth time (although I feel so blessed I’m not more hurt). My streak with injuries for 2011 has been as bad as the snow this season! I am absolutely looking forward to 2012 and the possibilities for more activities with less accidents/pain. It feels like the Universe is a big bully that keeps slamming me into lockers, except my joints are the ones being tortured. So, I am faced yet again with having to limit myself and ice a swollen knee. And this time around, I am questioning, is there some other part of my life that is swelling for protection that I need to ice down and let heal? Because at this point, I feel defeated.

Choosing perseverance AND trust in the midst of physical or emotional pain is difficult because the safety net drops out and we are falling into a sea of unknown. The unknown of doing things any differently than what we categorize as comfortable/fun/good/pleasurable/exciting is a rude awakening to the dream-like reality we formulate in our minds. These are the humbling moments when we realize we’re not as important as we thought and we do not have the final say in how things go down. We are just a participant in the game of life, not the referee. Not to say we can’t be active participants with strategies and talent!

When I got home and back onto a computer for the first time in two days (funny how strange that feels!), I caught up on some emails and articles. I came across Tommy Rosen’s healing piece from the Daily Love blog. Rosen writes, “To admit one’s powerlessness is to understand one’s place in the world.” This statement gracefully and bluntly iterated the truth that I am powerless to my body’s limitations. But reminded me that I am FULL of options on how to deal with it. Right now, my heart is filled with sadness and fear, but that does not mean that I can’t strategize on how to play smart. For now, I am having to take a timeout from the extreme plays and rest on the disabled list. Normally, being forced to take time off from being active means I get fired up, feeling betrayal, a little anger, passion and drive to get back and show my body who’s boss.

After Saturday on the mountain, my lesson is that I’m not the boss. I am only the boss of accepting my powerlessness to, as well as, my power in the bigger actuality of my personal and external circumstances. “It [powerlessness] is absolutely counter-intuitive, which is why our logical thinking can get in they way.  In recovery you will hopefully come to learn the many ways that you are powerful and you will be blessed indeed not to forget the places where you are powerless (Rosen).” I am recovering from a childhood of being lucky enough to be adventurous and athletic. I am morning the loss of my high-risk, full throttle lifestyle. I have been holding on for the past year thinking I could get back to where I once was. This weekend was the final death of that.

Not only am I having to ice my knee, I’m having to heal my heart and lay to rest old belief systems around identity. This weekend was filled with moments of love and laughter, but also struggle and sadness — a funeral to the past, but also a rebirth of a deeper sense of self. Clinging to the state of where my body was once at will not make it more real in the NOW. It’s pretty simple — we all are in the truth of the NOW, whether that is full of power or powerless (and hopefully present). Both are okay — the question is, can we accept that? I am developing as much curiosity as possible to the different kinds of creatures at the bottom of the unknown sea…I’m going diving! Fins up 🙂

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