With a whole four days off, I have had the time to analyze and sit with the feelings/curiosities of where I am at in my life on a multi-dimensional level. The first reaction from my ego is to judge myself and think about the levels where I could improve or how I should be doing something differently then I already do. But thankfully, the softer side of me comes in and grants me a friendly reminder.
I have now come to the understanding that I can only physically, mentally, spiritually and professionally push myself so hard for the effort to be construcitve and sustainable. Pushing the extremes will produce fabulous temporary results, but will ultimately lead to a face plant in the ground. The Type A side of me wants to throw full passion and effort into every aspect of my life. But somewhere, there is a little Buddha on my shoulder quietly shouting at me to find some balanced stability in gentleness. From this intuition, I have come to the recognition that I have to ease up on some aspects and see where my efforts can be further spread out. And then there is the lesson that in order to gain more…it’s actually the letting go, combined with forgiveness, that is most crucial.
We all seem to be walking around like we’re on a giant scavenger hunt; having to figure out the missing ingredient to a balanced life. But maybe the truth is that there is nothing missing and the scavenger hunt is really just a game to get closer to ourselves. We may have to follow others’ paths until we ultimately end up at our own. Personally, I think one of the hardest things about holding passion for multiple things is that I am torn in different directions. I feel a litte trapped into an unconscious world of fighting between the things I really love and feeling as if I should adopt a practice, activity, habit, belief into my life because someone else finds benefit in it.
I notice it is the habitual daily patterns that both enhance and provide room for growth in my life. The concept of comparison has hit our culture hard! We want to compare meaningless materialistic crap, spiritual knowledge, physical strength, etc…and then amount it all to determining someone’s worth on this Earth. I am 100% guilty of being sucked into it more often than I’d like to admit. As much as I try to say “no” and stand tall (well as tall as a 5’3″ girl can), I occasionally find myself being dragged into the mindset of hunting for the missing ingredient. But in the end, aren’t we still the same beings whether we choose to push harder or ease up? It is a difficult balance to establish because as much of it is about being rather than doing, we can do some pretty awesome, positive things that can amplify who we are and the community we create.
As 2011 creeps to an end, I vow to work on letting go at overachieving in all aspects of my life and forgiving myself for thinking I had to in the first place. I want to choose to celebrate the efforts that have enlightened my spirit, rather than categorizing them into the should haves, supposed tos, or the “thank goodness I didn’t screw that one up”. The truth is: I am not who I was six months, six days, or even six minutes ago. But no matter what, I continually question who I am based on what I do and the intention I set forth into each day.
Ask yourself — Who am I? I hope you see ALL the love over the hate and the passion over the struggle!